I should be asleep. The fact that I spelled that "alspee" the first time says it all. The fact that I hesitated before fixing it because there was a delay in processing what happened says it more.
I cleaned for the brunch (today).
And my guy felt ill earlier so now, of course, I'm panicking. But it doesn't really matter because I stayed up till somewhere around five thirty last night because of the panicking and he wasn't ill then. I know what I'm panicking about too.
My job is kind of in limbo and I'm lacking the confidence in myself and the confidence in my abilities and my determination to go into something for myself. And as a result of that, I have this feeling like eventually, my guy will know and believe that I'm a fuck up with no ambition and lose respect for me.
Granted, the last time I was in this situation, my ex didn't respect me even before I was out of school and not working, but at the same time, I was ill back then too, so a little slack would have been nice...
I don't want my guy to lose respect for me. But then I think about lying in bed in the dark for days at a time and wonder how he wouldn't lose respect for me.
Maybe I just need to pretend that I can do anything I set my mind to. And that if I set my mind to something and I hate it, I can set my mind to something else. Life is short. Why should I force myself into one career path?
I'm freezing. I'm on Jemma's sofa and she's in my bed spot and I'm just freezing.
I should just go to bed.
I wish I had three days at home with my guy. Two isn't enough when there are visitors and cleaning and things.
I just want to lie in bed in the dark with him for an entire morning and afternoon.